Feeling Blah

Aka missing you.

I have felt blah all day. 

I think my body and mind subconsciously know when the 17th is near. Before I realize it, the 17th is here. Another month that you've been gone. Another month of not seeing you, or talking to you, or you coming to see your boys. 

Another month without a "hey baby" or random "I love you" text. 

I miss you so bad. 

The more little nugget moves and kicks the more I realize you won't be here waiting for us to come home from the hospital like you were with the other boys. 

The farther along in this pregnancy I get, the more I think about and miss you.

You would be so excited right now. 

I still have a hard time comprehending you are gone. Sometimes I forget. And then when i realize it, it literally takes my breath away. Instant panic attack and hyperventilation. I start reliving every moment of your last 48 hours here on earth. I start regretting the decisions I made and didn't think to make at the time. I start wishing I could have done more. Or said more to you. I wish I would have thought for you to make videos for my boys. Or just called them in the middle of the night so you could have loved on them one more time. 

All the things I wish i could have done haunt me. 

I have to keep busy and keep my mind busy or I end up spiraling into a terrible shoulda/coulda/woulda. 

I know you loved us. 

I know that you know we loved you. 

I just wish we would've had more time.

Tonight, I'm drowning.