The firsts

I knew that the "firsts" were going to be hard. Everyone says that they will. 

Thanksgiving was not great. And Christmas won't be either.

 But the inbetween. 

My babies birthday. 

Will be the hardest. 

His 3rd birthday is tomorrow. And pawpaw isn't here. 

My mom and step dad and brothers are coming over for lunch to celebrate my littlest guy but my daddy isn't here. 

My daddy LOVED this little boy. So much. 

And my heart hurts SO bad that he isn't here to see him grow up, to see him get excited about birthday presents or Christmas. 

I want to crawl in a hole, cry and never come out. 

To make it more heartbreaking, when we were pulling out of McDonald's the other day he asked to go to pawpaws house. I think it was because anytime pawpaw came over he typically brought him chicken nuggets. 

That led my oldest into a "Charlie, we can't go there. He died, remember? " 

Which is awful. But true. 

Grief + pregnancy hormones = not a great time.