Set in stone.

Its happening. 

We went yesterday to pick out your rock. 

I'm sure you've been looking down and watching this unfold. 

We have been trying to wait on the insurance money to order the rock, but as you probably know, that is not happening. 

People can be selfish when a little money is involved. And no one seems to care that 3 young adults have to figure out how to get their daddy a rock. 

Jon and I went and closed your accounts yesterday and there was a little more than what I thought was in there.. 

We called Boo to meet us at the monument place so we could at least look at the rocks and when we got there we found out they were less than what we had been told. 

Your account had just enough to get the rock. 

And with the GoFundMe we sent up for your expenses we were able to divvy out between the three of us to have "dead dad money". 

Obviously that did not matter to us. But splitting it between the three of us felt like the right thing to do. 

You not having a rock has been stressful for the three of us, having that taken care of is such a weight lifted off of our shoulders. 

But they sent me a "proof" of it today and it was like 11.17.23 All over again. 

You are really gone. 

You have been gone for 12 weeks.  

I have not talked to my daddy in 12 weeks. My brothers havent talked to our daddy in 12 weeks. My boys have not talked to their pawpaw in 12 weeks. 

How is this real life?

I try and think about all of the good memories. All of the handmade things I have from you. All of the pictures and videos I have. You are all around me here at home. But sometimes that is not enough. I want you back. I want to hear you say "Hey baby, i love you" one more time. Inwantnyounto call and ask " how are my boys today", I want to cook for you and pack you some to take home. Hell, I'll even take an all day doctors office visit.

I think about the day you came home with hospice. And how I wish I would have thought to ask you more questions, other thn how you wanted your funeral arrangements. I did feel like that was important- so it could go how you wanted it. 

But I find myself wondering things about my daddy that I will never get to ask you now. 

What was your favorite food? I know you liked everything I made, but what was your absolute favorite?

Your favorite movie? Your favorite song?

Your favorite memory? 

All the things I thought I would have my whole life to find out. All the things that seem so small.

A small piece of me that will be a mystery now, because you're gone.